I have been putting off writing this post. My goal was to write about marriage every wednesday to keep up with the #wifewednesday fun of Instagram. But, that didn’t happen. There’s no particular reason it didn’t happen either. I don’t have an awful marriage that is hard to write about. (Been in one of those, done that). But, I assure you it is far from perfect. You see, being raw and real about motherhood is easy. It comes naturally. I find it much harder to be raw and organic about my marriage. It is private. Intimate. Challenging. Beautiful. Yet putting words on paper about it seems difficult. What bothers me even more is that I don’t know why. So, bear with me as I find my footing.
My husband and I met online. Christianmingle.com (gotta represent)! I had a checkered past and believe me, it wasn’t pretty at all. Teen pregnancy, terrible previous marriage and a ton of baggage. More baggage than Elle Woods from Legally Blonde unpacked when going to Harvard. The first few months of marriage were tough. I came in with boxing gloves ready to fight and stand up for myself like I had to in my previous marriage. Only this time, my husband wasn’t fighting me. I came into every disagreement, conflict or discussion like Ali in the boxing ring, ready to knock my opponent, my husband, flat on his back. Not a good way to start a marriage.
It took a lot, I mean A LOT of communicating, patience and more prayer than you can imagine to get me to see that we were on the same team, fighting together and not each other. That is the problem with baggage. Often times we don’t know when to let go, not even realizing we are sinking to the bottom as we cling to it for dear life, allowing it do drag us down.
I remember the moment it happened. My husband in tears (and this never happens), standing on one side of the kitchen and me on the other. Fighting about nothing. I was fighting just to fight. My white knuckles clenched onto my baggage, my past. Heavy. My palms blistered from dragging it around so long. I was tired. I couldn’t bear the load anymore. Realizing it was destroying my marriage. And for the first time in forever, I dropped my baggage and let go.
Baggage can get exhausting to carry around all the time. Especially in a marriage. I have to remind myself daily not to project onto him. To see him for who he is and not for who I expect him to be. And I pray, a lot, and God hasn’t let me down yet. A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. And I am so glad my husband chose to not give up on me. Two years later, he is still the love of my life.
Are you carrying around unneeded baggage? If you are don’t. I know it isn’t easy, but know you’re not alone. Just remember “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” 1 Corinthians 13:7.
Be more like Elsa and LET IT GO.